Jessica Heriot Photography
Brandon and I went through a round of IVF at the end of June 2018. We knew going in that the chances were very low of having our own child (less than 5% due to my endometriosis), but we felt that we needed to try. I was given very large doses of hormones to give me the best chance possible and I was hopeful when they extracted two eggs. Unfortunately, neither egg fertilized, and our IVF was unsuccessful and completely devastating. I needed to take a break. I did not plan as long as it has been, but as you all know, we were hit with the news of Dylan’s diagnosis just about a month after. I will share in more detail about IVF and the rest of my fertility journey, but I wanted to let people know where we are today.
So… maybe this is how I have been able to make sense of things or make them right in my own mind, and hopefully helped my sister. My nature has always been to observe things and people around me, and all three of us sisters are painfully sensitive to the emotional climate of the room.
I was in a perpetual state of sadness with my own infertility, and now I can see the sense in it. If I would have had children of my own, I could not have been as emotionally available to Casey as I have been able to be. If this is the reason I have not been able to have children, it makes it mean something to me. Don’t get me wrong; I would be so very grateful and will be if that day comes. I still hope and pray for a child but, to be totally honest, my luster has been crushed by it all.
I truly don’t mean this to sound as sad as it does. It just makes more sense to me this way and somehow justifies it. It’s one cruelty of the world followed by a worse one. For me to move forward and still find a way to choose joy, I have to see the meaning in it all.
We are gearing back up for IVF again, hopefully with the help of Lindy’s eggs. We decided to wait for her rather than use a stranger once that option was back on the table. I am hopeful that 2020 is filled with miracles in our family.