Grief is Tough

I know we have been fairly silent. Thank you for respecting us and continuing to send your love and support.

I’ve still been writing and I thought it was for myself, but if this is going to be what we started it as, I feel like I need to share.

Please continue to give Casey her time as well as the love and support, but as one of Dylan’s aunts, these have been my thoughts. 

They are just glimpses of my feelings at different times since we lost Dylan.  They change often and quickly, so please excuse how schizophrenic they may seem…

1.      (~5/5/20)

As we are coming upon a month without my sweet niece… I honestly just don’t quite know what to say…

What an amazing girl. The words that come to mind immediately are badass, sweet girl, attitude, and other inappropriate words that she made funny.

I have really been struggling with any words that give her justice.

She gave me life. She renewed a spirit inside of me.

As soon as Dylan could walk, she would run to my car as I drove up and hug me. She would wrap her legs around me and rest her head on my shoulder and we would live in that love… I don’t think I’ve ever met a hugger like her. 

It felt like an eternity. I had no idea how much that would mean to me……

She did.

She gave me love so pure that it reminded me how to treat people. What a girl.

Don’t get me wrong… she was tough as nails. I would not mess with Dylan…

But she was not a mean girl. She found the good in everything. And… she made it seem so easy… mason could mess with her- like any older brother…  she would fight him… and… she could win.  But, the second he was in trouble she would come to his defense.  

I do hope we can all rally around Mason… he is in a place that very few of us can understand. Dylan and Mason loved each other fiercely- and always will.

D could make us laugh harder at the most inappropriate things…. like- “this pizza is fu*king delicious “ at 2/3 yearss old. (Thanks Jonas brothers for the song “cake by the ocean”.)

Casey shared with me recently that on her wish trip there was a girl working a ride at the park with long dreadlocks. Of course, Dylan was enthralled… I get it.. but this girl was having a bad day, or maybe a bad life… and Sweet D… notices her… and says… (genuinely) “I really like your hair”.

I didn’t quite register this whole interaction right away. Then… I realized-  Dylan was even more in tune than I understood.

This 5 yo, on her wish trip…. was still unconcerned with herself. While
I know D loved those dreads- and she would have rocked them herself-she also saw that a girl was in pain and reached out.  She may have given that girl a whole new perspective.

She never thought of her own situation. She cared more for her brother, her mom, and her dad.

I will forever be grateful that I was Dylan’s Aunt. I will forever give everything inside of me to live a kind, fierce life that she did not get to have.

Thank you, Dylan. Endless love.

“The truth is stranger than my own worst dreams”.   Lord Huron

2.      (~5/15/20)

When we started this we had a small inkling of what we were facing.

As we have come upon a month without Dylan, choosing joy is hard.

Grief affects us all in such different ways. I knew it would be hard. It’s SO much harder than I imagined. My patience is at zero. I’m not fun, or light, and I honestly just don’t care.

I’m worried about everyone. There is such a mix of emotions happening at different times- we are all trying to be kind while being so damn angry and sad at the same time.  I hope it gets easier.

It’s weird how who I thought I would be concerned with are dealing better than expected and I lost sight of those that needed help. I am also not ok.

It’s a struggle… I think we all feel this in different ways.

There is no right or wrong. I’m still “happy” in fact- I feel that maybe even more but it’s harder to find.

I do think that will change with time. I accept and respect what I’m feeling.

I am just having such a hard time being available to anyone else.

It’s lonely.

Some days are better than others. 

There is a strong sensation of guilt with not feeling ok. I am (as messed up as it sounds) so grateful for a worldwide shutdown.

It is letting me really feel all of this. I’m evaluating life in general- observing, and it doesn’t allow much escape.

I rambled, but I’m still finding joy. Dylan is helping- I’m positive about that. No ones really “ok” right now.  That’s ok.

I do believe that finding the strength to live life after losing such an amazing soul and supporting one another will teach us to live a truly joyful life as a family.  Finding the strength of being available to others is difficult but I know we will find that as well.

It may take some time, and that is also ok.

3.      (~6/4/20)

It’s been almost 2 months since Dylan has passed.

I miss her.

Grief is such an interesting and intense design. No one feels it the same.

For me, I have found myself feeling things more.

I don’t know how to say it but I feel a weight lifted also….

Dylan doesn’t have to be fighting anymore- and I find comfort in that. 

Even writing that is insane… because she should be here.

I have been evaluating everything. She changed everything. Forever.

I’m sad, angry, but most of all grateful. How lucky was I to be her aunt?

It’s tough in the family but I do think everyone is doing their best.

Casey and Jeff continue to amaze me with their strength.

What a strange time.  My family is forever changed… but, with the pandemic, so is the world I think.

What a blessing of timing.

Thank you D. I will talk to you and smile because of you every day.

💗💗💗

4.      (6/23/20)

Again… how things change.

The people I was concerned about before have changed… the relief is gone. Sadness has entered the building.

This is our new “normal”.  It feels even more lonely.

People are moving on around us, I feel a stronger sense of guilt for an entirely new set of things.

The things that have hit me hardest are seeing my photos and having to scroll back to see her face.  Opening my Snapchat and not having a video or picture to reply to.

It’s the small things that are hitting me right in the gut. And I’m her Aunt. Casey is struggling, I can imagine the pain she is living in and as strong as she is…this is hell. It’s so hard to watch.

There is a lot of love surrounding us, but nothing seems to matter. Nothing changes our new world. As much as I want to be “back” I’m still finding my way there.

There is so much happening in our world and I find myself in awe of how simple my own life was not too long ago. I find the issues we face as a country and world so petty and to be honest, irritating.  If we could all be a bit more like Dylan, I just think everyone could live a better life.


I really do hope this gets easier. At the same time… I wouldn’t trade one second of the time I spent with her.